Not too long ago, I was scrolling through Facebook videos when I came across a video compilation from Gilmore Girls, and the video sent me into an emotional state of despair. Rory’s stepdad was having a dispute with her biological dad. Rory’s biological dad said, “I’m her real father.”, and the stepdad said, “Oh, really?! Where were you when…”, and he went on to list all the moments where he was more of a dad to Rory than her biological dad. After, I had watched this moving compilation, I started to cry. And my tears were motivated by the loving display Rory’s stepdad exhibited towards Rory, and the depressing fact that I do not have what she has. 

My favorite Pixar movie for a long time was Finding Nemo. My favorite musical alongside Hairspray is Mamma Mia, and my favorite childhood movie is A Little Princess. And what do all this films have in common with the Gilmore Girls video? They all showcase the beautiful bond between a father and their child. In fact, there is one scene towards the end of A Little Princess that has me in tears every time I watch it, though I’ve seen it countless times. And I never realized why these movies really touched me, until I acknowledged the deep rooted longing I have to have a father. 

I believe every child deserves a father, and the relationship between a father and their daughter is so special. I’m always seeing videos of how father’s show their daughter’s how a partner should treat them, and I feel the void of not having that relationship in my life. I do not have a relationship with my biological father, and in fact, that man does not want a relationship with me at all. I do not matter to him in the slightest, and I can only imagine that he doesn’t feel a sense of regret or guilt for letting me grow up without his love. 

I did have a stepfather for several years, and while I love him, we do not have the father/daughter relationship I hoped we would. I think that’s why I don’t reach out and talk to him or tell him what’s going on in my life. He always said I was his daughter, but he didn’t invite me to his family’s events like he did my little brothers, his real kids. It seemed that as I grew up, we grew more and more apart, and while I know he loves me and I hope he knows I love him, we aren’t in each other’s lives. 

So, here I am, 26 years old, fatherless, and realizing how the lack of that relationship has taken a toll on my life. Maybe if I had a father, I would have healthy relationships. I would know how to change a tire. I would know my worth, and I would know how to listen to my heart. 

But, how would I know? My idea of fathers comes from movies/television and witnessing my friends’ relationships with their fathers. I don’t really know what having a father is like, and I may have to accept the fact that I never will.

Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful for my mother. I truly am, and she did an amazing job raising us; I know it wasn’t easy on her. And I don’t take for granted the father figures I have in my life, my former stepdad and my uncle, for they have tried to be there for me as stand-in fathers from time to time. But, there are things I really needed from a father that I still don’t have. 

If you’re a woman feeling the same way, I hope you know you’re not alone. Father’s Day feels lonely for me too. My name is Janyce-Monique, and this is Simply Doin’ the Most. Thank you for reading, and know that you deserved better than what you got, but you’re amazing for what you’ve created with what you have.